It's terrible to say but I really wish I were dead.

The world is so dark to me.

I am in so much pain I'm really having trouble standing it. I don't know how to deal with it. It's not something tangible. It's not something healthy to go through. It's just the worst pain, the worst kind of pain; I am just a dark cloud when I am around other people and there is nobody that even wants to come near me when I go through this. People just want me away from them. I do feel like nobody really loves me. Because nobody really knows me. Because when I am in pain and try to reach out to people, they run. They just run. Not because I direct it at them. I'm very clear to say, it's not about anything, it's just a Shroud. It's just my shroud. But still, they run. So I never reach anymore. And I don't want to. I don't want to repel people. So I've learned to keep it to myself as much as possible. Sometimes I can't; sometimes people want to spend all the time with me, and they end up being there when it comes. And it just gets worse. But I don't know what'll happen eventually. I've always been able to wait it out.

But it's not USEFUL. It's not HEALTHY. It's not something I want and it doesn't reveal anything to me. I am just despondent. I am despondent right now. I wish there were someone that could just, that could just, and I end up describing it to myself, or if someone, the innocent bystander, is there, to them, I end up begging them to just tell me to knock it off that's just a wave that it'll be okay that I'm wonderful and that I give and by the time I've described all that I make myself feel a little better.

I make myself feel a little better.

I make myself feel a little better, eventually.