Y'all just really don't give a SHIT.

I'm sure you mfs think I'm some self-absorbed princess who gets everything I want.  Self-absorbed.  All I do is think about your ASS and put myself in your shoes and open up my house to you and take your fucking SNARK because I know it comes from a place of insecurity and lack of self-awareness.  And I know I have to take all this upon my shoulders, why, because I can, that's all, that's the reason, because I can.  Because I can carry it for you.  But I'm getting tired.  I'm getting numb.  I don't feel anything anymore.  I don't smile anymore.  This is self-centered tripe but this is my goddamn blog.  My journal.  And I don't COPY AND PASTE from it and SEND THAT TO YOU pretending I was WRITING TO YOU because I'm too lazy and inconsiderate to do so and I DON'T GIVE A FUCK ABOUT YOU ANYWAY, do I?

I cannot imagine being so dispassionate as to contact someone who's been there for me through thick and thin and THEN some, and, the ONE person who has, in fact.  The one and only.  To contact them them once a month to ask for a favor.  And then finally, to dump their problems three nights in a row for hours with no respect to person's schedule and not even ask how they're doing.

I take it all, I take it, I take the insults, the bile, the lack of understanding, the misdirected bullshit and just take and take and take and forgive and give and give and give my understanding-- I have nothing else to give-- I damn near don't have a pot to piss in cuz my toilet breaks.  I can't buy clothes, I can't buy real shampoo, I can't buy vitamins, I can't live a healthier lifestyle because I can't afford it, I can't pay for medical treatments I can't pay car insurance or to fix my car or gas I can barely cover rent NONE OF THIS IS WORTH IT

FUCK ALL OF YOU

BYE

Oh sweet Jesus. I can't even go home now because the super is still fixing the damn sink. I left 2 hours ago and he still needs an hour. This is bollocks. There's no time for nothing no matter what and certainly no time to ever just comfortably and peaceably relax. Just none just nothing just never.

So what am I gonna do. Sit at the Vons Starbucks and do some more work.

Fukineh.

I'm sitting at the dentist. About to get three fillings. And that'll be my last appointment for an age. I don't mind the appointments. I get to sit on my ass and chill and watch Who Framed Roger Rabbit and House. I did mind being on painkillers and antibiotics for 6 weeks. But that's all over and done with now. I'm proud of myself for having done this. Forked out a small fortune and actually made and kept these appointments. It was out of character for me, but it had to be done. My teeth were falling out, and all those infections were probably making me ill when I ponder the fact that I was probably swallowing them too. Now I have now money left but what else is new.

Again all these good things I'm doing for myself see no tangible rewards. Not a red cent for CvD, living like a pauper among the palms. Oh well.