Oh-- WHEW.

Okay-- I'm over my little gripe fest... cuz WOW. 

I feel much better now.  Because I actually physically FEEL much better now, like, not dying, for the first time in three days... I think I had a weird little flu... I don't have any fever right now, and my body feels totally normal, and that makes for an all-over WAY better feeling. 

Not psychosomatica.  Somapsychotica.

Children are meant to be seen and not HERD:

ugh.  ugh.  ugh.  i can't help it.  i'm easily agitated.  illogic fucking agitates me.  unnecessary to-do fucking irritates me.  overcomplication grinds my gears.  being shuttled back and forth and OK walkie-talkie, KNOCK KNOCK, KNOCK KNOCK, every 5 minutes KNOCK KNOCK, when i say, really, but i don't think i'm in this shot... it's the reverse... Well, I dont know, so get prepped and head back down... I'M NOT IN THIS FUCKING SHOT.  IT'LL BE AN HOUR.  WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE ONE TIME.  EYELINE?? SERIO??  NOBODY'S EVEN LOOKING MY WAY IN THAT SHOT

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

but reason is immaterial when everyone is scuttling around, and the expectation that some thing will change or happen is unanimous, i get it, i do, but my stom feels POOR, and i haven't actually done any kind of acting, except for like one scene, in which i had to deliver my lines, to the reflection of 2 red x's in a mirror................. fucking eyeline my ass.

UGHHHHH

no no no no im not complaining but fuuuuuuckin A.

i used to be this- i used to do this- please just tell me where to go and what to say and what to wear yes and when to be there in fact dont even tell me when just pick my ass up and turn my head every time i need to look another direction- yes, this used to be my dream, it did, so, im not complaining, if it were still, id be living it- i am- i am living it in all possible ways--- but BOY i have changed.  i need to stick my nose in the kitchen.  i am not meant to just be directed.  i've gotten accustomed to my intellect and my brain being made use of-- like, for example, if somebody doesn't KNOW if i'm in a shot, and i say, I'm not, because it's the reverse of what we just shot, so I can't possibly, unless this is some, experimental, Danny Boyle/Terry Gilliam/Emir Kusturica post-party shot, it just doesn't make any fucking sense--- see, I'm accustomed to, if I have an answer to a question (a question that in this case involves my own personal ass's ability to breathe, especially), to that being, you know, a GOOD THING???  but no, see here, its like, theres so many cooks in the kitchen, and i get it, and i'm not one of them, and i get why it would just confuse the poor 2nd AD who's just running around trying not to get barked at, and really has no idea what's going on in the scene let alone how the shot is framed......................... so, its useless.  and i have to hustle on over there, just to stand there, for a while, before, i can finally raise the point, that im not in the goddamn shot, and be released.  only to be called back in, i dunno when, but during which time, an extra hour in my trailer could have been had, reading, or chilling, or blarfing into the toilet, or what have you.

FIN

Ever get the Weirds?

I dunno if anyone else here experiences times when they just feel a bit TRIPPED out?  Like ohhh colors and where am I and what am I doing and what do I do and look at all this stuff!!!!!!!! (And I don't mean as a result of taking some hippie drugs.. I just mean... waking up that way...)

Well that's been today and I realized, at least, I'm in a great place to be feeling that way.  I'm totally safe.  I'm in a hotel.  In SEATTLE, the least weird/bad city in the world, just the LEAST offensive city I've ever seen.  BEAUTIFUL, this damn place.  I'm here because I'm working.  I'm not responsible for anything.  I'm getting paid for this.  I'm coming back.  This is good.  This is all good.  This is all okay.  So schiz the hell out, me, have a little manic glaze, it's all gonna be a-ok.

i went walking today, and then to the nirvana museum... it was awesome.  i really love seattle, its such a beautiful welcoming city i dunno its just cool it feels right and natural and good...

but i feel sick, and i am..  i'm really like weak and achy and nauseous and shit.  i did a yoga cuz i really look like old marshmallows and its gross and im like 20 pounds heavier than i should be for this film and im gonna look disgusting on camera.  but im shooting tomorrow.  but anyway the yoga was hard... its never hard, i was so weak and couldnt balance..... i slept 13 hours last night and couldve kept going i dunno.

thats all.

i'm watching law and order SVU.  which is really a show about growing old.  its classic.  

im in scenes tomorrow and the call-time is early, but i dont have any lines.  i think thats the case the day after tomorrow as well... i dont understand how i have 6 more work days...

i did it....... wandered off to a bar in an alley under the fish market, on the water and tucked away somewhere... had to get the ants out of my pants... some ways are easier than others... scotch and soda and some naff conversation...... but the bar was great... i chatted, and read, looked off, walked off and around, listening to my own music on my ipod, and wondering what to do about those damned ants.

My skin is so hot, and I'm so cold, what's with me and fevers, what is it, what.

I was social today though- on accident, kay, but.  I ran into fellow actor at the elevator and ended up going to lunch with him and the lead and her manager... It was nice; it was a good place.. they wanted to go to Cheese Factory or whatever but I killed that and asked the guy at Nordstroms where should we go that's not a chain.  So it was good.  And her manager covered the bill, which was really good...

I finally figured out the internet issue, when a real live human with a real live intelligence picked up at tech support so that should be a breeze now....... I want to go do things but I have this fucking fever- I swear it's not psychosomatica- I was sweating after taking advil and I have a chill and feel warm to the touch...... Maybe I'll go to the space needle in spite of it though; its open til midnight, the deck.......... and see it's not misanthropy because misanthropy doesn't stop one from going places alone.  It's like, swollen lymph nodes... It's like I'm fucked up somehow but yet there is nothing wrong with me except the doctor has said that all the sedatives make my blood thin and that's why I get cold so much, and moreover, that I've just been running myself into the ground.  Duh, I guess.

I just feel like I caught a draft in my right hand, my right hand is really freezing cold, my fingers and I didn't bring my Glenn Gould gloves because I don't want to look like a fucking psycho here...but I feel antsy too I really want to do something and go into the night, I will, I'm  just gonna take some more advil and warm up for a bit.  But come hell or high water, I am leaving the hotel room tonight.

Don't try it in heels.

So the internet at my hotel's been wanky... apparently there was a gaming convention, hah, and all the geeks used up the IP addresses from the hotel's ISP.... well... I think they'll be gone by tomorrow.

So I'm in the lobby...

I woke up today, feeling slightly feverish and strange and walked out to get a coffee, or no, it wasn't that-- I needed a book.  I really need a book.  A good one.  I haven't read in ages.  And there's a lot of downtime on set... So I walked out, I dont know why, without showering, the hairspray and grime from last night's shoot still in my hair, looking like a mess... and ventured out... up and down the hills of seattle.. mission toward the library, which is a beautiful library, though I knew I wouldn't be able to check anything out... it was something to see... there was a steinway piano store on the way, which I'll grace tomorrow... and then I walked down to the puget sound harbour and looked at the water. 

I found a cool book store... and I bought "Super Sad Real Love Story" by Gary Shteyngart.  It's fucking great.  Also another random book that looked cool.. That's where I spend my money... I've mostly been stashing food from the kraft services, and I should be on a diet anyway... and yet now I feel like I have a bunch of money and I see all these stores and all these things I want... but the truth is, its not that much money... Well it might be, if it keeps coming, but if after this month I have another couple like I did June and July, I better not spend it all in one place. 

But it was beautiful, up and down and sunny... I really did have a fever though... I had to turn the A/C on when I got into my room and then froze a second later... so I've been resting... I've got all of tomorrow and Tuesday to explore too... then shoot the next 4 days, then another 2 off, then one more shoot, then fly back...

I kind of feel like I'm on vacation... at a hotel... around tourists... I've had flashes of memories of vacations I've been on, or work I've had to travel for, and the difference, the differences between those times and now... informed of the 'progress' I've made... in my career, in my standing in life, of my kind of meteoric and really gradual ascent into becoming a grownup....

I dunno... not much more I can say from a computer in the lobby.