Because happiness never feels the way you think....

Does it?

I'm not sure... well I am sure... I'm sure what's missing... I'm not aiming for cryptography here, well, I am by nature ambiguous (never ambivalent, though), but really, I got ho's in different area codes, that read this shit.  I insinuate; they infer.  Humans are born with the ability to communicate on such a sophisticated level, these languages, systems of infinite combinations of patterns of strings of constructs of sounds made by closing the back of the throat, rounding the lips, flapping the tongue, and exhaling.  Sometimes through the nose.  And sometimes the mouth.

We also, naturally and by nature, kinda think everything's about us.

And sometimes it's got nothin' to do with ya, Sally Mae!  In fact, this is all fake, okay?  I downloaded those music from youtube, and I'm really a man.

But for story's SAKE.

I don't think there's any possible way Brandon (which is actually his real name, which is kinda dumb, but kinda not, for reasons that I will shortly address) has seen this blog, because he doesn't read, and because he doesn't care.  And he's the only one I've said anything bad about and it hasn't even been bad.

But if I can't keep it real here, what's the point?

I wish I was born here in Nashville.  Or somewhere nearby.  I wish I knew the same people my whole life.  I still could've pursued music, it's the perfect place for it... Granted what I do now is a little different, but songwriting, singing, and playing the piano, is always music.  It couldve gone any direction, stylistically... or would it not have?  I mean would I have come out the same person somehow, regardless?

Ughhhh if a tree falls in the fucking forest.

I'm just so sick of starting over.  I'm so sick of reinvention.  I am the phoenix.  And I am one thousand years old. 

how dare i try to impose my stupid thoughts
subject the world to my dark soul
its all so ugly in there

nobody wants to see that shit

and nobody wants to live it

F it.

Oh, I need some company.

My Valentine's Day was spent in one of the local cafes, where other lonely's were downing their liquor and drowning in it.  I thought Brandon would call me, but I think we might be over.  I think I scared him away.  Or pushed him away.  Or something.

He doesn't understand music and he doesn't understand passion and he doesn't understand me and that's the bottom line.

We got into another fight over the weekend because I wouldn't play my songs for him and his roommate.  Well his roommate didn't ask me to play, and, he wasn't in the room.  But he was in the house.

SO I DIDN'T WANT TO...

I played Chopsticks.

He got mad.  Said life's a joke to me.  Said I'm a joke, actually.  Really.  I'M a joke.  REALLY.  Who works at a furniture shop here??

F it.  I had a long day.  It was freezing outside.  And I lost my mittens.

Perspiration

Days like these, I miss having a TV... Sometimes inspiration comes at the tail-end of the Drone Zone, zonked in the crib, in nothing but a T-shirt and some knee-high socks, with a cold can of Progresso and maybe some gas station nachos and cheez, and a Saturday night marathon of Dr House...

I think of these days as the glittering tail,
The performance is the great ball of fire,
On it I'm riding clear across the sky,
And anyone lucky enough to see
Anyone lucky enough to catch me
Anyone lucky enough can wish and wish and wish
Just to be there when I fall.

Jolly Old Saint Valentine

He sure ain't no friend of mine...

I think this Brandon guy hates me...

He hasn't asked me out for today or anything.  I guess I have been kind of MIA.  I have my reasons.  Still.  Thought we had something going.  I hate holidays.  I hate any day that's supposed to be any way.  I don't need an excuse and I don't need a reminder.  And I don't need anything and I don't need anyone.

Cheers.

The sun is setting, hey,
I like to let it get dark in this room
I like to let it set

The seven day candle burns and burns

I saw the light,
I saw the light
And I felt so gleamed on and white
And I felt so permanently loud

And I've never felt
so still,
so dancing,
so free of clouds

I'm thinkin' like...

I feel like a Marvin Gaye song right now.
Out of place among the cowgirls.

Who makes ya money, uh-huh who makes ya money?

An adscreen popped up and told me if I smoke cigarettes I may qualify for a free electronic cigarette.  Free stuff's always good.  Another one told me I can really turn 97 dollars into 6797 dollars.  That would be SWELL.

And hell's belles.  I'm SORRY, truly, that I've been like... in my own little world and blowing people off again.. and seeming mysterious again.. it's just that I'm working my ass off and I've like found religion in the art and I can't, I can't, I just can't keep up with things and it's not that I don't know that they are... important.  I just.  I just.  

Oh, wow, I'm not alone....

Bloody Mary for Grownups

Okay now this is what I call seriously fucking with oneself.  I don't know I got home tonight, and like, I've been seeing this guy Brandon for a little while now... irrelevant... well.. I'll catch up about that... he's been keeping me busy... rather, I've been keeping him busy.  And waiting.  A lot.  Cuz I'm finally getting my shit together with my music.  I really am.  It's incredible.  I have a band.  They're all amazing.  I just wanna do my stuff, and it sounds so good, and one of the guys knows the owner of this place, the Bluebird Cafe, and said... he might offer us a regular spot there... Gulp. I don't know.  Fingers crossed.  It's all coming together.  But.  Anyway.  

I feel kind of tripped out tonight.  Everything, just, Brandon, asking, so many questions about me, about my past, and old relationships, and, he didn't ask if I've ever been married... of course he didn't-- and like... I was looking in the mirror, after washing my face, and I'm seeing how many lives and how many souls and how many hearts and how many just NON-HUMAN, just BASE, ELEMENTS, inhabit this creature I am... it's not just Chloe in there... it's all my, my fire, my water, my SADNESS has a SPEAR, my GREED, my MENACE, my DEMONS, my DEVILS, my SECRETS, my broken flowers, my helpless and terrified id, my capricious and engulfing lust, and these animals, and the witches... that live in me.  

I'm not on drugs, mind you. WATCH FOR YOURSELF, and tell me you can't see it too... The cat, even, she was staring at me as I was sniveling there in the mirror and then she pounced at me that wasn't me, until I said I'm sorry I'm sorry and I started crying and then she stopped but she was looking around behind the toilet and stuff for whatever it was that she had just seen...

Just watch. 

Doesn't it make nice good background ambience?  Just Like.... the ideal Screensaver?  

Relaxing?  Like a painting in a motel room?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.