how dare i try to impose my stupid thoughts
subject the world to my dark soul
its all so ugly in there

nobody wants to see that shit

and nobody wants to live it

F it.

Oh, I need some company.

My Valentine's Day was spent in one of the local cafes, where other lonely's were downing their liquor and drowning in it.  I thought Brandon would call me, but I think we might be over.  I think I scared him away.  Or pushed him away.  Or something.

He doesn't understand music and he doesn't understand passion and he doesn't understand me and that's the bottom line.

We got into another fight over the weekend because I wouldn't play my songs for him and his roommate.  Well his roommate didn't ask me to play, and, he wasn't in the room.  But he was in the house.

SO I DIDN'T WANT TO...

I played Chopsticks.

He got mad.  Said life's a joke to me.  Said I'm a joke, actually.  Really.  I'M a joke.  REALLY.  Who works at a furniture shop here??

F it.  I had a long day.  It was freezing outside.  And I lost my mittens.

Perspiration

Days like these, I miss having a TV... Sometimes inspiration comes at the tail-end of the Drone Zone, zonked in the crib, in nothing but a T-shirt and some knee-high socks, with a cold can of Progresso and maybe some gas station nachos and cheez, and a Saturday night marathon of Dr House...

I think of these days as the glittering tail,
The performance is the great ball of fire,
On it I'm riding clear across the sky,
And anyone lucky enough to see
Anyone lucky enough to catch me
Anyone lucky enough can wish and wish and wish
Just to be there when I fall.

The sun is setting, hey,
I like to let it get dark in this room
I like to let it set

The seven day candle burns and burns

I saw the light,
I saw the light
And I felt so gleamed on and white
And I felt so permanently loud

And I've never felt
so still,
so dancing,
so free of clouds

My Face.

Now this is what friends are for.... I feel less bonkers already.

Bloody Mary for Grownups

Okay now this is what I call seriously fucking with oneself.  I don't know I got home tonight, and like, I've been seeing this guy Brandon for a little while now... irrelevant... well.. I'll catch up about that... he's been keeping me busy... rather, I've been keeping him busy.  And waiting.  A lot.  Cuz I'm finally getting my shit together with my music.  I really am.  It's incredible.  I have a band.  They're all amazing.  I just wanna do my stuff, and it sounds so good, and one of the guys knows the owner of this place, the Bluebird Cafe, and said... he might offer us a regular spot there... Gulp. I don't know.  Fingers crossed.  It's all coming together.  But.  Anyway.  

I feel kind of tripped out tonight.  Everything, just, Brandon, asking, so many questions about me, about my past, and old relationships, and, he didn't ask if I've ever been married... of course he didn't-- and like... I was looking in the mirror, after washing my face, and I'm seeing how many lives and how many souls and how many hearts and how many just NON-HUMAN, just BASE, ELEMENTS, inhabit this creature I am... it's not just Chloe in there... it's all my, my fire, my water, my SADNESS has a SPEAR, my GREED, my MENACE, my DEMONS, my DEVILS, my SECRETS, my broken flowers, my helpless and terrified id, my capricious and engulfing lust, and these animals, and the witches... that live in me.  

I'm not on drugs, mind you. WATCH FOR YOURSELF, and tell me you can't see it too... The cat, even, she was staring at me as I was sniveling there in the mirror and then she pounced at me that wasn't me, until I said I'm sorry I'm sorry and I started crying and then she stopped but she was looking around behind the toilet and stuff for whatever it was that she had just seen...

Just watch. 

Doesn't it make nice good background ambience?  Just Like.... the ideal Screensaver?  

Relaxing?  Like a painting in a motel room?

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

What prevents scarring.

The demons come, they came to me last night.

When the demons come they want to ruin my face and they want to ruin my hands.

Demons are like heat-seeking missiles; they charge for the whitest light... I hurled myself against the gate, and bled, my face is covered in huge scratches and I hope they don't scar.

The demons come from the people dearest to you, your favorite light. Sometimes they are powerful and they overwhelm you, possess you, as they leave the person across the table... The person across the table says, Wow. All the pain and worries... you just made them go away... We spoke and now they're sitting in the ashtray.

Yes, you say. But you feel on edge... You feel sad... You feel exhausted... And two days later, you find yourself in so much pain and filled with so much darkness and rage and you feel them trying to siege at the person across the room. The person with so much light.

But you fight them... So you fight yourself... You watch yourself try to destroy you. The demons want to ruin my face, and to ruin my hands, and they wanted it so intensely I hurled myself against the gate, I scratched my fingernails slowly and deeply down my face, I punched the concrete and banged my head on it 15 times.

The person across the room didn't want to take on the pain; he stood there and watched and didn't stop me once.

I don't know if they are gone; I don't know if he, is now on edge, sad, exhausted.

I only know my face is covered in bruises and deep scratches. And it hurts to play the piano.

Does anything prevent scarring, can anything keep it from scarring me now...