I just went over the script to look at my scene tomorrow morning, which is the most intense one.
This is a sad movie we're making.
And my character is the saddest one... She's had the saddest life; she has the saddest end. The cruelest life and the cruelest end.
Today was really brutal I was just tired and nauseous and I had a headache because I was in a smoke filled room with no air at all with a heavy (lovely) kitty on my lap in the same position on a hard bench for hours. And I felt sort of abused too because I was so tired and oxygen deprived and I couldn't feel my leg and I didn't get a break and then I was told to wait around at the end of the day, because I had a close-up, though I didn't think I'd have a close-up to begin with, and they didn't even let me go to my trailer where I could lie down-- I could barely keep my eyes open-- and I had to sit on the hard chair in the smoke-filled room and then after an hour they said I was wrapped for the day. Didn't have time for the close-up it would've taken them into overtime which is more money, and my close-up is not a high priority. So, I hated everything, not individuals, but everyone, and I felt they were being mean at times, and I hated everything except the cat. I loved that cat, both cats, in one scene I had this incredible kitten, 7 weeks old, and while everyone else's kittens were mewing and scratching the actors, mine was happy we were purring together. And then I had another scene (in the same, smoke-filled, ventilation-free dingy room) that took place a year later so I had the older version of the cat, a chunky, beautiful, Persian tabby, and I loved the cat and the cat loved me and his wrangler was shocked at how much that cat loved me and how comfortable he was sitting on my lap, for hours, even as I moved him around into positions and did things for scenes and they said oh that cat's so cool and she said Well he has a great handler, and then she said to me, I wish you could keep him! (in the movie she meant, because in the movie, well, I die, and the main character takes my cat... that's the other actress who has allergies and whom he scratched I guess...)
And that's the thing in the movie, is, all the other characters get redemption, and mine doesn't, but she does... her cat survives... so, she lives through her cat, whom she loved.
And it was perfect, it was a perfect day to hate everything, it is perfect the way it all worked out, that they've made me so minor, such a sort of cliche, the mean, cold, Russian whore... and the director said she didn't want cliches, but they were cliches. Until the cats. Because I love cats so much, that obviously it showed that side of me. That she does have a soft side. That she does ultimately want a family; she doesn't trust people; they have all used her, so she shows no emotion and is hardened beyond repair. But a cat. A cat is pure good. Something you can love, that will really and truly love you too...
And I reread the script to see what happened and now, now I'm suddenly connected to the project, to the character, I care, I think it will be good.
I feel so sad for Svetlana. Reading it brought me to tears....
Breakdown-->Breakthrough.
Always, always.
