All I've got is words

Words, with friends..

oh glorious glory be,

my federal and state tax returns have arrived!!!!!!!!!

In memory of Etta James: At Last.

I have been, too tired to write here, for ages.  I've also been too busy.  I've also been dealing with things, that, well I haven't been able to exhale for a while.

I finally can, really.  After tomorrow night, I finally really will.  And I know I've been saying that for an age, at this point.  But no, things are finally wrapped up.  Like really there.  Work-things.  Finally.  They've finally, finally gotten there. To be more specific-- well, I've had two major projects going on in the last year and change... (like November '10 and on...)  And I've been vague about them, for all sorts of reasons, one being that I just don't like to TALK about things before they're certain, another being that talking about work is thoroughly uninteresting, and a third being that I haven't been quite sure whether I want to preserve any mystery as to my identity on here.

And I've been vague about EVERYTHING else which makes for a damn dull blog too, because anything interesting would inevitably be read the wrong way and offend people I know, and anything I'd want to write about would involve, well, who else but people I know.

So, in short, though.  My two major projects are a record, and a film, both serious time-consuming and difficult endeavors, to make from scratch, involving endless steps, and many many people, and besides the creative and technical processes that involve the works themselves is the overseeing, supervising element of getting a team together, motivating people to work, navigating individual personalities, establishing boundaries, establishing respect, learning to delegate, achieving a proper balance of patience and assertiveness, picking your battles, crisis-management, self-promotion, fostering relationships, ultimate humility, shamelessness in asking for favors, fearlessness in taking risks, strength and flexibility, endless amounts of tedious admin work, etc etc and on and on.

But somehow it seems it's all gotten done.

As of like, today, really.

And now I get to fucking exhale like for real.

It's getting warm, with cold breezes.  It reminds me of 2010.  Winter 2010.  Winter of 2010 is in the wind.  Winter of 2010, I realize I was... as free as I've ever been, as open, as wondrous... the simplest things, were so magical.  I never felt so innocent before and I haven't since.  Never look back and try to recapture a moment in time; it doesn't work.  But I feel like it's time to go there again.  I can feel its blue and white light in my bones.

well hotdamn

longtime no see.

i, uh, i've had a rocky start to the new year but now it seems like things have calmed, gelled, and are right.  clean houses, clean houses.

i have several big projects coming up.  i dont feel like pitching them on here.  it has kept me busy.  its a lot.  emotional upheavals as well. 

i had more to write.

2012

We make such an issue out of the New Year, that eve, the way we spend it.  Every single one has been wack.  They've had no bearing on the following year.  Not really.  But if this, 2012, in its infancy, cantankerous and volatile and painful as its been only just THUS FAR, this colicky baby-- I'm in for it.  Hell.  Just hell.  Everything is over.  I'm a dumb fuck.  My life has been a trainwreck.  And it's over.  I had credit card fraud.  And now I have -15 dollars and a rent check about to bounce.  I'm done.  I have no job, no income, no career.  I'm done, and I deserve it, because I'm damaged.  And I will go the way of my mother before me.

Contentions:

I don't agree with that--

I'm eating mashed potatoes.  That I made last night.  Right out of the huge pot.

I'm watching Pawn Stars.  I love that show and I wanna go visit that store in Vegas and look at some crazy old antiques and Americana.

You play so beautifully it makes me cry.  I wish you'd break the rules more often.

I'm thirsty for water and nothing else. 

It may be superficial, supercilious, a superfluous something or all the aforementioned, but one of the traits I still most admire in a man is a good solid poker face.

I haven't been able to sleep for the past five days. 

Mostly, I've lost my taste for cigarettes. 

Redux

My insomnia as of late could only be described as RAGING.

I get tired and I know deep down I'm tired but whenever I drift off, and as soon as I do, within 30 minutes or so, I wake up, body burning, heart pumping, limbs burning for intense physical movement, eyelids heavy but mind keenly alert....... regardless of what sleeping pills, or hour, or improved "sleep hygiene" i.e. conscious and deliberate abstaining from computers, techtronics, LED lights in general.... and there's been a general all-prevailing sort of emotional RAWNESS from the inside out of me-- something nothing like depression though very likely physiological and definitely NOT idiopathic, fact, for once in my life I don't think it'd be... UNWISE... to consider the possibility that maybe something IS wrong and needs to be addressed as opposed to just chalking it up, without a second thought, to the behavior and/or misbehavior of my neurotransmitters.  Though, well, it is that.  It is that, that and residue.  Because I've rather addressed, introspected, and addressed that which needs to be addressed, not that doing so provides an immediate solution, cuz, fact, I've addressed it a million times, inwardly, and outwardly, slowly as is my fashion, more Tortoise than Hare, so what, I prefer to think before I speak or take action.......... I'm even relatively slow out here on the West Coast where things are thought to be slow, and I've come to accept this after my years in New Amsterdam wherein folks react halfway through the causal action's completion, and seem to harbor an arsenal of retorts and genuinely witty dismissals on their tongues, that, for all their silvery steel, serve to do nothing but stop a conversation in its tracks....  Verbal cluster bombs, Geneva-ban notwithstanding, that land, with precision, at a target suggestion, and proceed to detonate upon contact, releasing shells and shrapnel propelled so furiously from the center out as to knock out all other existing ideas as well.  ...

...That still happens here, too...

Anyway, what was this rant about?

Oh yeah, rawness and residue. 

Naw it makes sense to be chemical.

I was abed and food poisoned for days, taking equine doses of sedative and now I'm still both illness-affected and in some minor withdrawal, and, perhaps a resultant mania. 

Whaddya gonna do.

More time to meself and to write, that's never a bad thing.