Blink.

What a strange day it was.

Now it's morning. I haven't been able to sleep, so, I figure, I'll just stay up and get started on the requisite major cleaning, since I'd have to be up in a couple anyway, to go to the airport, to follow my best friend as she returns her car, after this intense wonderful 2 week visit, and then go wait by the airport for 3 hours, until her flight, and then come back... I've been really beginning to get socially exhausted, needing my alone time, it's been great, but I've felt very sad and antsy at points because I haven't been alone and-- I need to be alone, and-- she does give her share of digs... picks at me...

Sigh. I'm just drained and feeling pulled from all directions constantly, but, really I just wish, she'd give me some fucking credit. And say once, Hey, I trust your judgment. Hey. You're there for me any hour of night and day, you invite me here no matter what's going on, you've never held a grudge, even though I've tried to make you-- and furthermore, since I met you, when you were 19 years old, you have grown, incredibly wise, and calm, practical, and kind, and yet still passionate, and fuck's sake, you have manifested everything and more than you've wanted... and deal with life with a fucking grace that I admire.

I wish she'd say that. Yeah. I just wish she'd say that.

She doesn't have to. She says how much she loves me. That I'm her only friend. I know she respects me and my talent and my opinion and that we are on a very special wavelength. So it's fine. But she's just never willing to say, I don't know. She always has to throw in a doubt or a criticism, somehow try to make me wrong or the bad guy... Tell me I'm this or that, or whatever. I've gotten better at dealing with this. I just shrug and throw a look, walk out of the room for a sec, come back and say, Hey where's your camera I wanna show you this reverse trick.

Fire's out.

Ahhh. She's a seer she sees things she sees the bigger picture. But she is still trapped a bit, emotionally, personally, by things like guilt- guilt mostly. Maybe regret sometimes. Yes. Fuck those things. I don't understand them.

She sees the bigger picture. But I see... I don't see a picture... I don't see any frame... I see no frames and frames everywhere... I see multiple dimensions and yet essence. Essence. One dimension. I see that everything is the same, really. And everything is different. I don't know. I feel in string theory... Mathematics and magic and music and endless shades of gray and yet BLACK and WHITE sometimes. Clear cut. So subjective. So circumstantial. I have a code I live by. I am open to changing every day. I flood you with positivity. You make fun of it. I'm not hokey. But you make fun. But you leave here, glowing.

It's fine.

I love you.

There is someone in my life whom I love who respects and appreciates these things unabashedly. I thank God for this person.



So she is reading a book called Blink.

Malcom Gladwell corporate pop psychology shit.

I didn't say that, obviously, when she told me the book.

Blink.

You know within 5 seconds. Like I said-- everybody senses, people are like animals, it's an instinct, the power of the other. Well I don't know if Gladwell says anything like that.. hahaha.. maybe a stretch. But. I have. Always, within 5 seconds, of course...

Pop psychology irritates. It has nothing to do with psychotherapy. A real conversation with a person who... takes your worldview, smacks you upside the head with it, and makes you think... you think because you care... about this other human...

Two people in my life have taken my worldview and smacked upside the head with it. Philosophers. I don't see either one of them much anymore.