Spark

There, it's finally done, and it took all day.  So many thoughts ran through my veins in the yellow light.  Now my sparkling floors and my sparkling hair and the empty spaces and the parallel lines, now they can mean nothing much at all.

I cut my hand and I got rid of that goddamn TV, enormous, broke, old and useless and unwieldy like everything he handed me down.  Yeah Michael.  Donor of the bed so misshapen and used up it crippled me for about a year and half.  I lugged it out and put it at the end of the hall, that hideous old table with it, and there it sits, and it looks exactly like an album cover........ I don't remember which...... Eels maybe...... A TV on a table at the end of a hall.  Center frame.  Kind of creepy.

I just want to read a book while NOT being in motion, en route somewhere.  I just want to daydream.  What can you daydream when everything you wanted is real.  What a strange loss, that is.

I am alone and you are alone and I sometimes feel ultimately worthy of praise but unworthy of love and childish as that is, you do too.

If the new table is parallel to the mattress and the wood paneling it's 4 30 am last night again and always will be.

Everything is in its place and now that feels like nothing at all, and the trash I take outside and then I feel the night air and then that feels like everything that ever is--

I'm going to run.  As long as I can as far as I can as fast as I can as long as I can

Lacrimosa

Oh the slow sadness that comes with being contemplative and alive.  Knowing the weaknesses of yourself and those around you as akin to knowing how and when exactly you're all going to die.  Weaknesses, is too wrong a word.

Time is this strange thing that surrounds, and for some reason I see it all at once, and nothing ever surprises me.  There are these beautiful moments and they are all the same, perhaps it's just my mood but nothing seems long ago, and nothing seems recent, and nothing in particular will happen and--

There was something I wanted to do when I walked in this door, I was looking forward to it and now I feel like I'm missing something, what was it?  Oh.  I wanted to smoke.  I wanted to smoke a cigarette.  Oh, it feels good, to smoke right now.

livestreams

meh...
what do i have to say, i have no time to say it... on the go-go-go still... i have still not seemed to have a spent a single day just lolligagging in the house by myself, nor have i managed to clean or do my laundry yet... the summer seemed to stretch on like a thousand years; i've been back less than a week and it already feels like ages ago.  i dunno.
my show tonight might be streaming live- http://www.tripsantamonica.com/live/

..but last time I said this it didn't work, so... give it a whirl if you like

Well I'm too busy to blue-- I'm not so busy that I couldn't take a couple days to hang, relax, and tonight to finish my book......... but the madness (antiMadness really) continues, and I'm in a better state of mind for it, I suppose because, I know I won't have to leave my cat for nearly a month straight, that's a main thing... and because filming is does... and filming is difficult in a way that music is not.  I never know if I'm prepared for it, I guess.  Something like that.  One thing really cool about film though:  theyre puzzles, they're puzzles you solve as you read and as you shoot and somehow everything makes sense in the end...

I wonder what it means to be happy.  I have everything I need for it.  And I am.  I have this sort of "tragic soul"... but it's not unhappy.  It's just that I find beauty sad.  A full moon, a cool breeze, a moment when...

I have done far too much talking for a long time.  I don't like to talk that much.  I can't stand arguing.  That's normal, who likes to argue?  Well actually a lot of people seem to love it.  I'd rather never do it at all. But talking too.  I need to let things sit and be some more, to be quiet.  To be quiet and to be healthy, quieter and healthier, if only just for a while. 

I'm just sensitive to gravity.  Gravity isn't sad.  It's just gravity.  Without it, we'd all just be floating around.



II

You know what you're good at?
Feigning candor.
Talking about the things that aren't really weren't really those things that changed your life that shaped you
They sound so personal
They're deceptive
Because it's the big things, it's those things about which you stay
Mum

9.10.

So I arrived back home, emotions unadulterated by braincoolant, which stuff I'd ran out of, which wasn't so  bad actually... yeah I got back and the urge to emotionally adulterate was significantly lessoned [sic].  And I wanted to write but I WAS fucking tired and I wanted to say how much more I appreciate in hindsight and who doesn't I know but the last month-- the last exhaustive [sic] month, month or two, was beautiful how, wedding withstanding even... Not withstanding... How now that it's all over though-- how for a change-- I don't feel suddenly bored or depressed or doom and gloom how I didn't even allow myself or desire for myself a three-day coma how I took care of things and then went to dance class and sat around and problemsolved with my like-minded logical girlfriend how I sobbed when I first saw Masha, laid down on the floor and sat her on my chest and just BAWLED
How I miss people still and miss people already and have missed people and how I only really saw one sparkle of the magic of megan's method on the last day filming because I was a bit isolated the entire time how much I LOVED (and usually love, specifically-) the makeup artists but how I really loved this one
How I sat window on the flight back when I usually sit aisle but how I looked down over the Pacific Northwest landscape at the perfect squares of irrigated farmland in green, brown, darker green, yellow brown, brighter green brighter grown and how I love this country and how I'm ready to keep living in it and how I'm almost finished with my book and how I sort of wish I could've taken a class this semester but how it's kind of neat that I don't have the time, how for once I have a bit of money in the bank and how quickly I know it'll disappear
And how I always count down as a plane lands, backwards from 10, til it hits the runway and how I time it perfectly and how my father taught me that once.

I lit my candle...

I cleaned... I talked to some friends; I moved my car and I paid the rent, I deposited some checks, I talked to my sweet sweet neighbors who watched Masha for a bit and they brought me a plate of food and one of them got called for a repair job but didn't have any gas money so he asked me and I went and got him 20 bucks and begged them to keep it...

I facebook friended my Russian friend Marina (well she's Russian and Svetlana's friend in the movie...and we bonded too on set we were the cat whisperers), and other people from Seattle too.

I talked to some friends, so maybe we'll work out tomorrow which I need bad and have some coffee and an old girlfriend I haven't seen in a while and we might go out tomorrow and I sent out some emails and I CLEANED, and I cleaned up some metaphysical messes and I even unpacked....

I talked to old friends that aren't here, that I haven't talked in a while, about life, art, integrity...

Didn't think I'd do that today, thought I'd just pass out... but now I can wake up tomorrow feeling a part of this world again...

before, the details of my emotional canvas were so rich.  from the lack of meds in me.  now ive numbed them.  i had beautiful things to write.  about perfect squares of irrigation from the plane.  my world is bigger than that.  i kissed my cat when i came home.  my unadulterated emotions, i cried, for 20 minutes, missing her so much.  but she's doing great.  i miss everything.  i enjoy everything so much more after its over.

dont you?

now im fucked  up and trying to nap

thats all i got baby

that and that and that

FOR NOW