I finally did it.

I finally threw out all my notebooks.

With all my lyrics.

And all my junk.

I don't want to be unkind to myself, I don't, I don't, but it's just unbearable and unstoppable right now

I don't want any memories of myself lying around

I want to die alone

I want to die alone

I only think about the cat, that snaps me back into reality

but I can still kill the product of the thing I loathe, the dark spirit I wish were gone, and thats all it is, the light in me is tapped out and turned off

and FUCK YOU anyone who reads this out of prying, malicious, suspicious eyes... Fucking SHAME on you. You have no idea who I am. You have no idea what I feel. YOU are blessed. You are lucky. I'm the one that wishes I were in your shoes. Your beautiful, new, and well-made shoes.

It's terrible to say but I really wish I were dead.

The world is so dark to me.

I am in so much pain I'm really having trouble standing it. I don't know how to deal with it. It's not something tangible. It's not something healthy to go through. It's just the worst pain, the worst kind of pain; I am just a dark cloud when I am around other people and there is nobody that even wants to come near me when I go through this. People just want me away from them. I do feel like nobody really loves me. Because nobody really knows me. Because when I am in pain and try to reach out to people, they run. They just run. Not because I direct it at them. I'm very clear to say, it's not about anything, it's just a Shroud. It's just my shroud. But still, they run. So I never reach anymore. And I don't want to. I don't want to repel people. So I've learned to keep it to myself as much as possible. Sometimes I can't; sometimes people want to spend all the time with me, and they end up being there when it comes. And it just gets worse. But I don't know what'll happen eventually. I've always been able to wait it out.

But it's not USEFUL. It's not HEALTHY. It's not something I want and it doesn't reveal anything to me. I am just despondent. I am despondent right now. I wish there were someone that could just, that could just, and I end up describing it to myself, or if someone, the innocent bystander, is there, to them, I end up begging them to just tell me to knock it off that's just a wave that it'll be okay that I'm wonderful and that I give and by the time I've described all that I make myself feel a little better.

I make myself feel a little better.

I make myself feel a little better, eventually.

Heaven

Heaven is a U-47.
Breathe, breathe, breathe into a Neve.
Heaven, heaven, heaven
is a U forty seven.

the world is shit

every concern ive ever had is manifesting
and that everyone had too
and as usual, everyone was right
my life is turning to shit
and again i have nothing
and its my own fault
and this close to ending it all right now

I am Heathcliffe!
Owner of the Heights Awuther
I am a mental mirror
of my taboo lover
I can withstand neither the sunlight
nor the weight of this cover
so I'm coming out and saying it
it's not even a bother
There's no vengeful God and there is no Big Brother
just a nation of civilians holed up spying on each other

Nobody can touch me but my unborn son
Nobody can touch me

The World Outside

Well morning's come and screw the sleep
I've done to much to feel the creep

My life is strange and always changin
The World Outside gettin so small

The world online? Not bad at all.

Teehee.

all work and no play.

i hurt so much today
all day all day
thinking about life and about love and
about the sun rays that made me melt

but i got a lot of work done.

and that's what i do, now isn't soldier?

so i move on.

Before You Lose It:

More stuff for the eyes and the ears...

Meantime, my heart; it's just racing.  Fever and food and future-feasting.  I went for a walk today and saw these crazy mushrooms sprouting up from the cracks in the sidewalk.  I picked them. 

They're sitting on my desk.

Hmmm... I feel like taking a risk.  Should I chew or simply swallow. 

"Before You Lose It" Rehearsal Video from Au Films on Vimeo.