Oh-- WHEW.

Okay-- I'm over my little gripe fest... cuz WOW. 

I feel much better now.  Because I actually physically FEEL much better now, like, not dying, for the first time in three days... I think I had a weird little flu... I don't have any fever right now, and my body feels totally normal, and that makes for an all-over WAY better feeling. 

Not psychosomatica.  Somapsychotica.

Children are meant to be seen and not HERD:

ugh.  ugh.  ugh.  i can't help it.  i'm easily agitated.  illogic fucking agitates me.  unnecessary to-do fucking irritates me.  overcomplication grinds my gears.  being shuttled back and forth and OK walkie-talkie, KNOCK KNOCK, KNOCK KNOCK, every 5 minutes KNOCK KNOCK, when i say, really, but i don't think i'm in this shot... it's the reverse... Well, I dont know, so get prepped and head back down... I'M NOT IN THIS FUCKING SHOT.  IT'LL BE AN HOUR.  WHY DON'T YOU FUCKING LEAVE ME ALONE ONE TIME.  EYELINE?? SERIO??  NOBODY'S EVEN LOOKING MY WAY IN THAT SHOT

ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

but reason is immaterial when everyone is scuttling around, and the expectation that some thing will change or happen is unanimous, i get it, i do, but my stom feels POOR, and i haven't actually done any kind of acting, except for like one scene, in which i had to deliver my lines, to the reflection of 2 red x's in a mirror................. fucking eyeline my ass.

UGHHHHH

no no no no im not complaining but fuuuuuuckin A.

i used to be this- i used to do this- please just tell me where to go and what to say and what to wear yes and when to be there in fact dont even tell me when just pick my ass up and turn my head every time i need to look another direction- yes, this used to be my dream, it did, so, im not complaining, if it were still, id be living it- i am- i am living it in all possible ways--- but BOY i have changed.  i need to stick my nose in the kitchen.  i am not meant to just be directed.  i've gotten accustomed to my intellect and my brain being made use of-- like, for example, if somebody doesn't KNOW if i'm in a shot, and i say, I'm not, because it's the reverse of what we just shot, so I can't possibly, unless this is some, experimental, Danny Boyle/Terry Gilliam/Emir Kusturica post-party shot, it just doesn't make any fucking sense--- see, I'm accustomed to, if I have an answer to a question (a question that in this case involves my own personal ass's ability to breathe, especially), to that being, you know, a GOOD THING???  but no, see here, its like, theres so many cooks in the kitchen, and i get it, and i'm not one of them, and i get why it would just confuse the poor 2nd AD who's just running around trying not to get barked at, and really has no idea what's going on in the scene let alone how the shot is framed......................... so, its useless.  and i have to hustle on over there, just to stand there, for a while, before, i can finally raise the point, that im not in the goddamn shot, and be released.  only to be called back in, i dunno when, but during which time, an extra hour in my trailer could have been had, reading, or chilling, or blarfing into the toilet, or what have you.

FIN

Ever get the Weirds?

I dunno if anyone else here experiences times when they just feel a bit TRIPPED out?  Like ohhh colors and where am I and what am I doing and what do I do and look at all this stuff!!!!!!!! (And I don't mean as a result of taking some hippie drugs.. I just mean... waking up that way...)

Well that's been today and I realized, at least, I'm in a great place to be feeling that way.  I'm totally safe.  I'm in a hotel.  In SEATTLE, the least weird/bad city in the world, just the LEAST offensive city I've ever seen.  BEAUTIFUL, this damn place.  I'm here because I'm working.  I'm not responsible for anything.  I'm getting paid for this.  I'm coming back.  This is good.  This is all good.  This is all okay.  So schiz the hell out, me, have a little manic glaze, it's all gonna be a-ok.

i went walking today, and then to the nirvana museum... it was awesome.  i really love seattle, its such a beautiful welcoming city i dunno its just cool it feels right and natural and good...

but i feel sick, and i am..  i'm really like weak and achy and nauseous and shit.  i did a yoga cuz i really look like old marshmallows and its gross and im like 20 pounds heavier than i should be for this film and im gonna look disgusting on camera.  but im shooting tomorrow.  but anyway the yoga was hard... its never hard, i was so weak and couldnt balance..... i slept 13 hours last night and couldve kept going i dunno.

thats all.

i'm watching law and order SVU.  which is really a show about growing old.  its classic.  

im in scenes tomorrow and the call-time is early, but i dont have any lines.  i think thats the case the day after tomorrow as well... i dont understand how i have 6 more work days...

i did it....... wandered off to a bar in an alley under the fish market, on the water and tucked away somewhere... had to get the ants out of my pants... some ways are easier than others... scotch and soda and some naff conversation...... but the bar was great... i chatted, and read, looked off, walked off and around, listening to my own music on my ipod, and wondering what to do about those damned ants.

My skin is so hot, and I'm so cold, what's with me and fevers, what is it, what.

I was social today though- on accident, kay, but.  I ran into fellow actor at the elevator and ended up going to lunch with him and the lead and her manager... It was nice; it was a good place.. they wanted to go to Cheese Factory or whatever but I killed that and asked the guy at Nordstroms where should we go that's not a chain.  So it was good.  And her manager covered the bill, which was really good...

I finally figured out the internet issue, when a real live human with a real live intelligence picked up at tech support so that should be a breeze now....... I want to go do things but I have this fucking fever- I swear it's not psychosomatica- I was sweating after taking advil and I have a chill and feel warm to the touch...... Maybe I'll go to the space needle in spite of it though; its open til midnight, the deck.......... and see it's not misanthropy because misanthropy doesn't stop one from going places alone.  It's like, swollen lymph nodes... It's like I'm fucked up somehow but yet there is nothing wrong with me except the doctor has said that all the sedatives make my blood thin and that's why I get cold so much, and moreover, that I've just been running myself into the ground.  Duh, I guess.

I just feel like I caught a draft in my right hand, my right hand is really freezing cold, my fingers and I didn't bring my Glenn Gould gloves because I don't want to look like a fucking psycho here...but I feel antsy too I really want to do something and go into the night, I will, I'm  just gonna take some more advil and warm up for a bit.  But come hell or high water, I am leaving the hotel room tonight.

Don't try it in heels.

So the internet at my hotel's been wanky... apparently there was a gaming convention, hah, and all the geeks used up the IP addresses from the hotel's ISP.... well... I think they'll be gone by tomorrow.

So I'm in the lobby...

I woke up today, feeling slightly feverish and strange and walked out to get a coffee, or no, it wasn't that-- I needed a book.  I really need a book.  A good one.  I haven't read in ages.  And there's a lot of downtime on set... So I walked out, I dont know why, without showering, the hairspray and grime from last night's shoot still in my hair, looking like a mess... and ventured out... up and down the hills of seattle.. mission toward the library, which is a beautiful library, though I knew I wouldn't be able to check anything out... it was something to see... there was a steinway piano store on the way, which I'll grace tomorrow... and then I walked down to the puget sound harbour and looked at the water. 

I found a cool book store... and I bought "Super Sad Real Love Story" by Gary Shteyngart.  It's fucking great.  Also another random book that looked cool.. That's where I spend my money... I've mostly been stashing food from the kraft services, and I should be on a diet anyway... and yet now I feel like I have a bunch of money and I see all these stores and all these things I want... but the truth is, its not that much money... Well it might be, if it keeps coming, but if after this month I have another couple like I did June and July, I better not spend it all in one place. 

But it was beautiful, up and down and sunny... I really did have a fever though... I had to turn the A/C on when I got into my room and then froze a second later... so I've been resting... I've got all of tomorrow and Tuesday to explore too... then shoot the next 4 days, then another 2 off, then one more shoot, then fly back...

I kind of feel like I'm on vacation... at a hotel... around tourists... I've had flashes of memories of vacations I've been on, or work I've had to travel for, and the difference, the differences between those times and now... informed of the 'progress' I've made... in my career, in my standing in life, of my kind of meteoric and really gradual ascent into becoming a grownup....

I dunno... not much more I can say from a computer in the lobby. 

soooo....

so, here i am.  second day on set.  sat in my trailer.
this is lovely- i mean i'm being paid a ton (for me anyway); i got a care package in my hotel; everyone's really lovely... but... fuck, I'm bored.

a) i'm really not in very much of this.  i mean i don't have a lot of lines, or anything, i guess my character is significant, but i don't say or do very much, it feels like.  it feels like its mostly about how i look, and that i speak a certain language.

b) with every film, except the one i worked on with p, which was just an exception to every rule and a love-project, there is a SHIT TON of waiting around.... just simply waiting around.  waiting around in hair and makeup and wardrobe, waiting.

c) there's also a shit ton of mechanical just, shit.  like yesterday, literally, i think i walked back and forth from a door to a mirror about 40 times, over the course of two hours.  this is boring to me...

i'm a person who's never bored, ever, except for the times i am forced to wait around doing nothing, like when i've worked in restaurants that were dead, or on these shoots...

i guess i just realize, this isn't really what i do.

but i'm not complaining.  just exploring.  this is an experience, and also a period of forced relaxation... its just a long time, for that, and for what seems to be such a small role to be on a location for 2 weeks...  but, forced relaxation, forced break in routine, and some exploration........ more later.... also i was exhausted yesterday...

ok theyre pickin' me up in 3 hours.
i AM tired-ish.
i don't know what to feel i don't want to listen to sad music and yet i listened to all of Parachutes dancing to it in the mirror with the lights off, stringing along Masha's feather toy so she could get some exercise too.
i guess im just ready, ready as i'll ever be, an all-nighter would blow considering im seriously literally going from cab to airport to airplane to WARDROBE (no stop in the hotel) to shoot.

we'll see what happens.

houses

Okay, so now I'm leaving at six in the morning.  And I'm shooting my first scene tomorrow too... right from the airport, to the hotel to drop off my stuff and then to a wardrobe fitting, to hair and makeup, and to shoot...

I'm packed.  I did some yoga.  I worked on some lines.  The place is pretty damn clean; anything more would really be unnecessary.  It's just a long time. 

But it's not really that long.

And I really can't wait.

Because I will FORGET MYSELF and MY LIFE completely, walk around, alone and anonymous and inconspicuous and free... Walk into a bar and pick up a conversation with a stranger... and then leave when I want... never see them again... God the freedom that life, as wonderful as it is, is a construction, like a piece of music, you have... all these choices.. but each choice you make, eliminates all the other choices you could have made, and then the next step, and the next step, and so on, and so forth, and we end building these, these cages around us-- cages and-- and depending on the skill of the composer or the architect-- they can be beautiful, they can be palatial, they can be epic and huge and ever expanding they can be fucking universes I believe, I believe that I do, I believe we can build fucking UNIVERSES but-- but until we do, or if we do, or regardless of if we don't, we have walls, if we have anything.  If we have anything at all, we have walls.  If we have anything at all we can't have everything we can't have everything unless we have nothing but this, but we can build, and we can FIND, we can create these

little loopholes

little hidden tunnels out of our cages, short ones into smaller cages that will crumble BUT:

the walls appear to be gone

for a short time

that's why.  that's why i ever wanted to do this in the first place.  these movies and things.  get out of my life.  experience someone else.  be someone else and forget my walls, my walls, my waves

that way I can bring back, bring things back, bring material, bring ectoplasm bring a different want to build a beam, back to my own real waking dreamhouse

ohh, oh, oh

I had, a helluva day. 
And I haven't slept.
But I realize... I have another day... Before I leave... Silly cloudheaded stressed out manic me.  The 26th is a Friday.  Ha.  Can't write now.  Gonna write more later.

oh, score.

oh, score, score, score f.n. score.
i love the little tape recorder on the table.
i love the questions.
i love the GOOD questions.
i love the way journalists say so little.
i love the way some how that gets a person to talk.
i know others who employ that tactic.
self notwithstanding.

was just listening...

...i just had my iTunes on... Bullet Proof from the Bends came on... The meaning of the lyrics just sort of dawned on me.

I'm supposed to be at my thinnest and I'm just as fat as a house.  I'm not prepared.  My place isn't prepared.  My cat is so needy.  Everything's needy.  I guess ultimately I'll actually feel like I can relax for the first time once I'm there...

Oh no Mammie, why I'll just do my eating at the barbecue.

oh fuck this.

Starship Log:

Last night, show. Tomorrow morning, early- Vegas... gotta get my outfit and all together tonight... when I get back I only have 2 days before leaving again, real early in the morning, for about two weeks, to film.  I have to get my apartment together to be leaving find somewhere to park the car pack for two weeks prepare for the film (as in not eat anything from now til we start shooting and watch nothing but russian movies...) which I cant do cuz i have only 2 days, ah, you know.. this is all good stuff..

And I'm HOLDING IT TOGETHER.  So there.

i'm so tired.  c'est tout. 

Da-dum ta-da to-do

Seems with all the insanity going on right now I need to just get in as much DOING NOTHING as I possibly can.  Sleeping 12 hours a day, eyelids heavy, watching episodes of Project Runway on the computer....... that's what I'm doing every possible second I can.

Disclaimer No. 1039480285

PLEASE, PLEASE, let me reiterate, please:

DON'T read this blog to check up on my life; don't read it if you're going to be offended; don't read it if you're a part of my day-to-day life and you think you'll find some secret sentiments in here.  It's not all real; it's hyperbole; it's metaphor; it's innuendo.

It's just impressions of thoughts that I have at the moment and from moment-to-moment I'm a moody bitch.  I can't shout these feelings out and I can't show them in public and this is just an outlet and it has to be interesting.

Please.  Just please.  I lose all my freedom if I self-censor and write not to offend.  Don't take it to heart.  Don't read it if you will.  Ask me if you want to know.

Signed.
CvD

Just to clarify- to my readers and myself- it wasn't really bad.  I mean all said and done nothing embarrassing happened and Andrea called me last night to say thank you for coming, and Daniella (the one who got sloshed) posted all the smiling pictures on facebook and of course all the groom's friends added me and wrote nice messages and everything's fine.

(It was brutal and I'm beginning the process of repressing most of it right now.)

(A message I particularly appreciate: "...How great was that wedding?! I wanted to shoot you over an email and say it was a pleasure meeting you and although there wasn't an appropriate time to tell you, I think you are truly beautiful." I said thanks for the compliment and thanks even more for possessing the tact not to give it to me on the day of the goddamn wedding.  Well I didn't word it like that; I really DO appreciate it.)

I can't believe I only have like three days before out-of-state show and only like a week before two-week out-of-state shoot.

I missed my kitty cat.  I'm worried about money.  There's never enough money.  I'm tired and I need some shhhh time.  I don't know.

Flying out in T-1200 h...

I did it.

I did everything.  My to-do list is clean, except for the more bigger picture stuff that's fun and interesting anyway.  I'm packed, and I just finished cleaning; I went boardover as usual, the place is spotless.  I guess it's partly for the neighbors coming in and watching Mashkat--out of respect for them, to make it more pleasant; to make myself respectable, and to keep private and precious things tucked away... To know it'll be nice to come back to.  To make it easier, when I have to do it again in two weeks. 

I'm feeling boozy and woozy and very mortal... I used to globetrot without a second thought and now when I have to leave it feels like, it feels like the end of the world.

(That is because I live alone.)

I was overcome with emotion earlier, but now I've numbed myself, with nectar, with the mild sedatives my next door neighbor slid under the door.  That's the neighbor that's watching my Mashkat.  That's a good neighbor.

Now that I'm packed.  Now that my boarding pass is printed.  Now that the loose ends have been tied.  Now I feel more at peace and I feel less at odds and I feel even and I know that this will be so good for me, get me away from myself, my work, my drive, this planet I live on.  To see old friends doing normal people stuff, celebrating love and life and a sort of simplicity and yes a sort of richness that I-- maybe, am, lacking.  A sort of wholeness a union.  To be somewhere where all that glitters has nothing to do with me, where the spotlight and the sunlight will be gleaming off my lovely friend's hair, off her gown, off the wine glasses and the flowers and old church stone.

There's always music pumping my head and I've been writing and I was afraid of four days with a piano but.

It's just four days.

It's not the end of the world.  And it's the beginning of a world.  Not mine.  Gratefully, graciously, humbly, not mine. 

My hair's so dry

It's parched, I'm parched, my skin is parched, the last thing I needed was to get burned by the sun---

I'm worried about my cat, I can't help it, she's a little slice of heaven and she doesn't like to be alone, and if I'm not here I can't crack open the door to make sure the cross-breeze keeps this place cool...

I have to pay my SAG dues somehow I don't have the money...

I honestly wish I could close my eyes and wake up and have this trip all be over...

I don't want to get on a plane...

I don't want to leave here...

I'm scared.

OFF

This trip is stressing me out a little...
I had to just tune out the whole world for a few days...
And now I have to go...
Thursday....
Still it all feels like too much....

I feel underweather.
And I never have any time...
Need some sleep...
Money...
And to get through the next month...

take a deeeeeep breath.  forget the rest.  remember to refresh.  that patience is a virtue.  and time is passing.  time is always passing.  it's already wednesday.  it's already august.  it's already 8 30.  it's already time. 

Who is Chloe?

I just took a shower that felt like a baptism.

I washed off all the sweat, from zumba, and a 3 mile walk home, and the soot of the Hollywood air, and the makeup, and found myself to be.. a pretty damn ordinary person.

With ordinary relationships, and lots of friends, with whom levels of intimacy, and frequency of contact change, change with age, with proximity, as we grow up and dart around the globe... Still we all keep in touch... I know tons of people, and there's hardly anyone I can think of, that I wouldn't be happy to see, that wouldn't be happy to see me too...

I have a cat I spoil and love to death...

I go to the gym with friends... I take some college classes... I live in a studio apartment..

I have a shitty car--- I have--- ordinary problems: bills all the time, car repair, things breaking, falling apart, computers- getting viruses, losing a phone, forgetting to do something-- missing appointments...

Missing people, things breaking and falling apart. 

Getting enough sleep- getting colds or viruses...

Forgetting to pack something.

Forgetting to say something, that I wanted to say... Missing people... forgetting the words...

Pay to Play

sloppy. very sloppy, is all i have to say. 260?

how about we make a deal?

i'll knock it down to 200. if you play with me. you are MY client. how's that. and i still pay you 200. +10%. and free drink tickets. 6 free drinks. 6 MANDATORY drink items.

Hmmm...

I'm confused again.