My eyes

My eyes feel like a couple of turnips stuck into two holes in my head
I had the influence-a, the flu, the 'enza, for the past few days
(on top of it all, no shit)
but i'm watching gregory's girl
and it is halloween
so all is not last

come one come all and meet me at the haunted maze!!!!!

ok i was got, good. hahahaha

but those first few from the other numbers were real!

My Inbox

The following text messages are real.  Nothing has been changed to protect NOBODY, cuz they're fucking gila monsters, and they don't have rights.  I didn't change a thing, I don't have to add a thing, I don't even need to say anything except that I did not change a thing below:

----From------
681-75
----Message---
I am really interested in making you an offer for you vehicle. Please give me a call so that we can discuss it further. 347-478-5438
Danielle
----End-----
Oct 27, 11 (Thu)
1:47pm


----From------
759-73
----Message---
Hello, I would like to buy your car.  We can pay  80 [sic] and even arrange all of the pick up and towing.
----End-----
Oct 27, 11 (Thu)
4:28pm


----From------
759-73
----Message---
And as a client of mytrashedcar.com, we will buy you dinner on the evening of pick up
----End-----
Oct 27, 11 (Thu)
4:33pm


----From------
759-73
----Message---
Dinner will be provided with your choice of mytrashedcar.com associate, male or female, your preference. Send us your email address and we will quickly s
----End-----
Oct 27, 11 (Thu)
4:37pm


----From------
759-73
----Message---
end photos for you to choose your dinner escort.

----End-----
Oct 27, 11 (Thu)
4:37pm

----From------
759-73
----Message---
Your prompt response is mandatory.

----End-----
Oct 27, 11 (Thu)
4:40pm


----From------
759-73
----Message---
This exciting dinner offer will expire at 12AM EST if you don't reply with an email address. We would like to share photos of our associates' phaces so t

----End-----
Oct 27, 11 (Thu)
4:58pm


----From------
759-73
----Message---
hat you may select.

----End-----
Oct 27, 11 (Thu)
4:58pm

And exhale, exhale, exhale.

Shit, well, I feel virtuous.  The utmost, uppermost, most foreboding part of my to-do list has been checked.

Check yoself, shit. 

I was avoiding it; I was paralyzed by it; I was able to read 600 page novels and write music and do 100 hours worth of admin work and make business plans but I was not able to DEAL with this shit, really.  I mean it was really a horrible experience, the car thing.  Like really sad and horrible and disappointing and cruel and unfair and in hindsight quite dangerous, and so it left me paralyzed both figuratively and literally, as I needed to be carted around everywhere, dependent, which feeling, if anyone knows me at all, should know really not make for a happy camper.  And it was adorned with other little unfathomabilities- phone breaking (which co-morbidity REALLY leads to paralysis), tooth breaking, and my own, willful adornment of pill-induced foghead and following withdrawal.

And there's all this stuff going on. 

And so much noise. 

And so now I've gone ahead and gotten my iPhone upgrade (yippee, more beeping) and towed my poor Blue from the collision place and diddled around a bit to find places that would purchase him til I found one that offered a satisfactory sum and no hassle, only to find myself today truly HASSLED, HARASSED and HARANGUED by these various gila monsters who are now interested in purchasing him for a measlier sum, and won't stop calling, even after I tell them no, and deliberately confuse me by ambiguously identifying themselves.  WTF is wrong with these people??? These used-carfolk??? When I first tried to buy a used car they did the same shit they just kept right the fuck on calling.  Both ends of the equation ultimate in hassle, in coked-up, geeked-up, gila monster hassle, blowing up my phone.  Calling AND texting and then calling again.

F.

But the nice people are coming to pick up Blue and pay me tomorrow.  And the pretty old car I was generously offered as long as I fix her up proper is sitting in the driveway, 100 meters from the shop, ready to be carted over there and fixed. 

So this productive week, during which I ran and made phonecalls and cleaned and went to auditions and did some work and paid off some shit and didn't avoid everything, was good, good yes good.  And I'm surely climbing out of the hole.

Next- work, next- DENTISTS and DOCTORS.

Dentists and doctors aren't a pain in the ass I don't have any antipathy toward them at all in fact I like them usually but the cost is murder when you don't have insurance and need like two surgical procedures done on your molars. 

And work is fun. 

I've been listening to Amy Winehouse lately.  Man is she good.  Rest in Peace, Angelgirl.

SNOW

WATCH

watch to the end please.  the end is especially important.

Rules for Writing

“Rules for Writing”

1. The reader is a friend, not an adversary, not a spectator.
2. Fiction that isn't an author's personal adventure into the frightening or the unknown isn't worth writing for anything but money.
3. Never use the word "then" as a ­conjunction – we have "and" for this purpose. Substituting "then" is the lazy or tone-deaf writer's non-solution to the problem of too many "ands" on the page.
4. Write in the third person unless a ­really distinctive first-person voice ­offers itself irresistibly.
5. When information becomes free and universally accessible, voluminous research for a novel is devalued along with it.
6. The most purely autobiographical ­fiction requires pure invention. Nobody ever wrote a more auto­biographical story than "The Metamorphosis".
7. You see more sitting still than chasing after.
8. It's doubtful that anyone with an internet connection at his workplace is writing good fiction [the TIME magazine cover story detailed how Franzen physically disables the Net portal on his writing laptop].
9. Interesting verbs are seldom very interesting.
10. You have to love before you can be relentless.

man o' man

i finished my book.  :-(

shit, i feel wack.  wack wack and deservedly more wack.  sad and bad and tired and pointless.  

the writer notes:

ahh dreams
remember the dream about the orange light on the silver lake about ice cold and red hot, blue white waves of light
dreaming is what makes me heal
it is just as real,
and i know you dream
about the same floodlit houses and wintry orifices as me.

Oh, me.

There's nothing quite sillier than writing miserable woe-is-anyone-whomsoever blog or facebook entries, but, what else are they for??  Things are going swimmingly in all ways and I'm really quite happy; my synapses do their thing regardless.

like being low

soy deprimanda...

if that means anything.

i've got the blue meanies. 

and all of a sudden

i feel incredibly bummed out.

and then i finally yawned

there's a sort of "guh" to just living, isn't there?

i'm afraid of what i'll do when this book runs out.

If you like to live one way, and live 100 other ways too:

As I couldn't sleep--

I read 300 pages of this book.  Left myself about 50 to go instead of finishing it... so I wouldn't have to--

"Freedom" by Franzen.
Yes.
Yes yes yes.
Dwarfs everything I've read in the last 2 years... (which granted, hasn't been much...but still.)

READ it.  It's everything.  If you're lost.  If you're confused.  If you want a conversation with someone who will understand what you're going through.  If you like to live 100 different other lives, than the one you're living.  Read it. 

i have a cat(ivan)
she make me glad(ivan)
i'm out of ativan
it make me mad(ivan)

guess i dun had(ivan)
more than i had(ivan)

im out of ativan
('nits pretty bad(ivan)!!)

fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck

blackout

powers out... everyone make ghost noises.

Blood Moon

This is the hard Blood Moon.  The full moon that rattles all the stars.  This is the hardest one of the year.

When I walked back in the door just now, after filmings dunferdeday, I said to my Masha, we purred, and I said I love you, and I love you, and I will always you and you're beautiful.  And that I know, I know, about the moon.  I can feel it too, we all can, how hot it's been lately. 

But this next new moon is a gorgeous moon.  A gorgeous night of randomly uniform splashes of lustre.  So don't give up, Cat.

We're the same, a couple of nameless slobs who don't belong to anyone and nobody belongs to us, not even each other... 

We belong together you and me, I said again to Masha, and we'll always be together, under the same roof, under the same strange moons.

literature

my eyes are huge right now, encircled with deep dark hollows on which ive slapped some preparation H, to minimize puffiness, but i still look like a ukrainian orphan, and nausea prevents me from eating to fatten up any.

a total psycho totally totaled my car.  when i called her she sounded like she was suffering from an acute personality disorder, and wouldnt give me her insurance company's case number and said shakily that she wanted to just let the insurance companies deal with it so so so, so, please dont CALL HERE AGAIN BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO BE TO BE ABUUUUSED!!! and hung up the phone.  so i had to call them myself, and they gave me all the information, and they said 'Yeah if she's acting strange, you don't have to speak to her, you can just call here directly' with some weary sympathy.

Please read:

FREEDOM by jonathan franzen

it's so good

Bad TV and Naps

Bad TV and Naps for All!!!

We've all been working hard and we all deserve it!!!

Curl up in the same position as your cat, next to them on the bed, put on some crappy TV and fall asleep on this beautiful fall-leaf day

so?

so, and so?

whats your next move, tiger?  please tell me... crystal ball says I dunno.

but, i'm doing well.  real well.  being patient, waiting for the tides to rise.  you know how i feel about time.