Saturday, July 30, 2011
Stop.
I think I need to stop ALL this right now and just like, read a book or something, tonight. I think you should ALL do the same.
Friday, July 29, 2011
Dura
Ya dura
because i want to cry, and i dont know why. i dont have any money, which stresses me out immensely. mostly i want to cry because i want to cry.
i was happy. 2 weeks ago. the day after my friend got here. that saturday. we slept late, woke up, laid around, smoked, talked, got dressed, did our nails, drank some wine, listened to my record, and to Transference... she talked about her school... i talked about my music... c booked a great show... i got all these crazy amazing comments from fans, and she was here, and we were dancing, and she laid back on my bed, and she said, I feel happy now. I don't think I've felt happy, in years.
And I was dancing to Transference and I said, I do too...
And she said, You do?
And I said, Yeah, I do. It's surreal.
And then we went into the night, dressed up, traipsing down the alleys to her rented convertible, and the moon was full. We realized we were broker than we've ever been, but we were like a million bucks... we blasted the music... we looked at each other... she said, Remember this moment. Remember this is what it's about. Walking to my retarded little car.
And we drove to the restaurant. And the streets were glowing.
because i want to cry, and i dont know why. i dont have any money, which stresses me out immensely. mostly i want to cry because i want to cry.
i was happy. 2 weeks ago. the day after my friend got here. that saturday. we slept late, woke up, laid around, smoked, talked, got dressed, did our nails, drank some wine, listened to my record, and to Transference... she talked about her school... i talked about my music... c booked a great show... i got all these crazy amazing comments from fans, and she was here, and we were dancing, and she laid back on my bed, and she said, I feel happy now. I don't think I've felt happy, in years.
And I was dancing to Transference and I said, I do too...
And she said, You do?
And I said, Yeah, I do. It's surreal.
And then we went into the night, dressed up, traipsing down the alleys to her rented convertible, and the moon was full. We realized we were broker than we've ever been, but we were like a million bucks... we blasted the music... we looked at each other... she said, Remember this moment. Remember this is what it's about. Walking to my retarded little car.
And we drove to the restaurant. And the streets were glowing.
Well it's nothing terribly interesting but I've watched a whole season of Project Runway online in the past week... And I just got out of bed today. I'm beat.
I called the Health Insurance.
I called the Residuals Dept.
I know it's after 5 on Friday and they probably wouldn't be open but that's when I remembered to do it and at least I left a message and got the ball rolling.
Fack.
I called the Health Insurance.
I called the Residuals Dept.
I know it's after 5 on Friday and they probably wouldn't be open but that's when I remembered to do it and at least I left a message and got the ball rolling.
Fack.
Thursday, July 28, 2011
Over myself and vagueries.
Oh man... Thanks for the comments guys and the inspiration and the fact that I realize I really need, I really miss this, and I really miss you!!!
It's been hard, with this blog, writing anything clear, anything direct, anything true, because, well it's public. I know people read it. I don't know who, or how often, or when, but there's always a chance, that, for example..
That last post, I didn't write it as a plea or a statement to my friend. I highly doubt she'll read it. I guess it's okay if she does. But... meh... nah. No good. That wasn't the point.
I've been writing rarely.
I've been writing in code.
I really have been busy doing all this stuff, and that's part of it. But you know what. F it. I'm gonna write what I want on here. What's the goddamn point otherwise?
Now that I'm writing... though of course, I don't have time. And I have to get ready. But maybe this is more important right now.
I get tired of incessant joking. I love jokes. I love to laugh. My favorite people are hilarious, and only my favorite people find me funny too. But constant injokes and jokes and rejokes and metajokes seem like a cop-out sometimes. We don't always have to joke. We don't always need and icebreaker.
There is no ice.
It's warm in here right now.
Can't we touch instead of breaking.
It's been hard, with this blog, writing anything clear, anything direct, anything true, because, well it's public. I know people read it. I don't know who, or how often, or when, but there's always a chance, that, for example..
That last post, I didn't write it as a plea or a statement to my friend. I highly doubt she'll read it. I guess it's okay if she does. But... meh... nah. No good. That wasn't the point.
I've been writing rarely.
I've been writing in code.
I really have been busy doing all this stuff, and that's part of it. But you know what. F it. I'm gonna write what I want on here. What's the goddamn point otherwise?
Now that I'm writing... though of course, I don't have time. And I have to get ready. But maybe this is more important right now.
I get tired of incessant joking. I love jokes. I love to laugh. My favorite people are hilarious, and only my favorite people find me funny too. But constant injokes and jokes and rejokes and metajokes seem like a cop-out sometimes. We don't always have to joke. We don't always need and icebreaker.
There is no ice.
It's warm in here right now.
Can't we touch instead of breaking.
Personality
Thanks for the comments guys :-)
Yes... These posts... the raison d'etre of blogs or logs or whatnot, to really sit back and process and express... I dunno... haven't done that in a long time... it feels good... and you're right, it does make for better reading...
And writing in the morning. Something about that.
Now, off to play another gig.
XO
Yes... These posts... the raison d'etre of blogs or logs or whatnot, to really sit back and process and express... I dunno... haven't done that in a long time... it feels good... and you're right, it does make for better reading...
And writing in the morning. Something about that.
Now, off to play another gig.
XO
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Blink.
What a strange day it was.
Now it's morning. I haven't been able to sleep, so, I figure, I'll just stay up and get started on the requisite major cleaning, since I'd have to be up in a couple anyway, to go to the airport, to follow my best friend as she returns her car, after this intense wonderful 2 week visit, and then go wait by the airport for 3 hours, until her flight, and then come back... I've been really beginning to get socially exhausted, needing my alone time, it's been great, but I've felt very sad and antsy at points because I haven't been alone and-- I need to be alone, and-- she does give her share of digs... picks at me...
Sigh. I'm just drained and feeling pulled from all directions constantly, but, really I just wish, she'd give me some fucking credit. And say once, Hey, I trust your judgment. Hey. You're there for me any hour of night and day, you invite me here no matter what's going on, you've never held a grudge, even though I've tried to make you-- and furthermore, since I met you, when you were 19 years old, you have grown, incredibly wise, and calm, practical, and kind, and yet still passionate, and fuck's sake, you have manifested everything and more than you've wanted... and deal with life with a fucking grace that I admire.
I wish she'd say that. Yeah. I just wish she'd say that.
She doesn't have to. She says how much she loves me. That I'm her only friend. I know she respects me and my talent and my opinion and that we are on a very special wavelength. So it's fine. But she's just never willing to say, I don't know. She always has to throw in a doubt or a criticism, somehow try to make me wrong or the bad guy... Tell me I'm this or that, or whatever. I've gotten better at dealing with this. I just shrug and throw a look, walk out of the room for a sec, come back and say, Hey where's your camera I wanna show you this reverse trick.
Fire's out.
Ahhh. She's a seer she sees things she sees the bigger picture. But she is still trapped a bit, emotionally, personally, by things like guilt- guilt mostly. Maybe regret sometimes. Yes. Fuck those things. I don't understand them.
She sees the bigger picture. But I see... I don't see a picture... I don't see any frame... I see no frames and frames everywhere... I see multiple dimensions and yet essence. Essence. One dimension. I see that everything is the same, really. And everything is different. I don't know. I feel in string theory... Mathematics and magic and music and endless shades of gray and yet BLACK and WHITE sometimes. Clear cut. So subjective. So circumstantial. I have a code I live by. I am open to changing every day. I flood you with positivity. You make fun of it. I'm not hokey. But you make fun. But you leave here, glowing.
It's fine.
I love you.
There is someone in my life whom I love who respects and appreciates these things unabashedly. I thank God for this person.
So she is reading a book called Blink.
Malcom Gladwell corporate pop psychology shit.
I didn't say that, obviously, when she told me the book.
Blink.
You know within 5 seconds. Like I said-- everybody senses, people are like animals, it's an instinct, the power of the other. Well I don't know if Gladwell says anything like that.. hahaha.. maybe a stretch. But. I have. Always, within 5 seconds, of course...
Pop psychology irritates. It has nothing to do with psychotherapy. A real conversation with a person who... takes your worldview, smacks you upside the head with it, and makes you think... you think because you care... about this other human...
Two people in my life have taken my worldview and smacked upside the head with it. Philosophers. I don't see either one of them much anymore.
Now it's morning. I haven't been able to sleep, so, I figure, I'll just stay up and get started on the requisite major cleaning, since I'd have to be up in a couple anyway, to go to the airport, to follow my best friend as she returns her car, after this intense wonderful 2 week visit, and then go wait by the airport for 3 hours, until her flight, and then come back... I've been really beginning to get socially exhausted, needing my alone time, it's been great, but I've felt very sad and antsy at points because I haven't been alone and-- I need to be alone, and-- she does give her share of digs... picks at me...
Sigh. I'm just drained and feeling pulled from all directions constantly, but, really I just wish, she'd give me some fucking credit. And say once, Hey, I trust your judgment. Hey. You're there for me any hour of night and day, you invite me here no matter what's going on, you've never held a grudge, even though I've tried to make you-- and furthermore, since I met you, when you were 19 years old, you have grown, incredibly wise, and calm, practical, and kind, and yet still passionate, and fuck's sake, you have manifested everything and more than you've wanted... and deal with life with a fucking grace that I admire.
I wish she'd say that. Yeah. I just wish she'd say that.
She doesn't have to. She says how much she loves me. That I'm her only friend. I know she respects me and my talent and my opinion and that we are on a very special wavelength. So it's fine. But she's just never willing to say, I don't know. She always has to throw in a doubt or a criticism, somehow try to make me wrong or the bad guy... Tell me I'm this or that, or whatever. I've gotten better at dealing with this. I just shrug and throw a look, walk out of the room for a sec, come back and say, Hey where's your camera I wanna show you this reverse trick.
Fire's out.
Ahhh. She's a seer she sees things she sees the bigger picture. But she is still trapped a bit, emotionally, personally, by things like guilt- guilt mostly. Maybe regret sometimes. Yes. Fuck those things. I don't understand them.
She sees the bigger picture. But I see... I don't see a picture... I don't see any frame... I see no frames and frames everywhere... I see multiple dimensions and yet essence. Essence. One dimension. I see that everything is the same, really. And everything is different. I don't know. I feel in string theory... Mathematics and magic and music and endless shades of gray and yet BLACK and WHITE sometimes. Clear cut. So subjective. So circumstantial. I have a code I live by. I am open to changing every day. I flood you with positivity. You make fun of it. I'm not hokey. But you make fun. But you leave here, glowing.
It's fine.
I love you.
There is someone in my life whom I love who respects and appreciates these things unabashedly. I thank God for this person.
So she is reading a book called Blink.
Malcom Gladwell corporate pop psychology shit.
I didn't say that, obviously, when she told me the book.
Blink.
You know within 5 seconds. Like I said-- everybody senses, people are like animals, it's an instinct, the power of the other. Well I don't know if Gladwell says anything like that.. hahaha.. maybe a stretch. But. I have. Always, within 5 seconds, of course...
Pop psychology irritates. It has nothing to do with psychotherapy. A real conversation with a person who... takes your worldview, smacks you upside the head with it, and makes you think... you think because you care... about this other human...
Two people in my life have taken my worldview and smacked upside the head with it. Philosophers. I don't see either one of them much anymore.
Thursday, July 21, 2011
cloVer.
I know nobody's reading this
let alone gonna come see
But wish me luck hey
Really need it this time this time
God knows I do
let alone gonna come see
But wish me luck hey
Really need it this time this time
God knows I do
Living with--
I haven't had a chance to sit down one time in the last week.
I mean just you know, parked my ass down in front of the computer without doing work or some errand (errands, bttww, obviously, really kick my ass. they freak me out. they anger and infuriate me. they make me retarded. as witnessed by my friend now. i really freak out when i have to do them) or talking to anyone.
I'm doing so right now. But I only have like 20 minutes. I am not talking anymore today though. Deal with it. My voice is shot. And I have a performance tomorrow. I have to rest it.
Ahhhhhh!!!
I mean just you know, parked my ass down in front of the computer without doing work or some errand (errands, bttww, obviously, really kick my ass. they freak me out. they anger and infuriate me. they make me retarded. as witnessed by my friend now. i really freak out when i have to do them) or talking to anyone.
I'm doing so right now. But I only have like 20 minutes. I am not talking anymore today though. Deal with it. My voice is shot. And I have a performance tomorrow. I have to rest it.
Ahhhhhh!!!
Monday, July 18, 2011
Refresh.
:-) star light i kiss the ground
star bright so lost and found
next time we meet i'll stare you down
you'll never beat this fever now
you'll never beat this fever now
star bright so lost and found
next time we meet i'll stare you down
you'll never beat this fever now
you'll never beat this fever now
A Meditation.
Forget meditation. My mind jumps around everywhere.
But when I purr my cat, it is completely empty and my heart swells with love.
This is not some dirty innuendo. I mean, literally, when my cat Masha, lays down on my chest, or when I come down to the ground and she rest her head down on my arm and I purr her for 10 solid minutes I think of nothing, but feel soft she is and hear the sound of her purring and see how beautiful she is and smell her lovely baby cat smell blended with my perfume from when i purr her and just am filled with light and love and then she stretches and purrs and curls and then uncurls and then bats at me to be like "enough."
That's a meditation.
My best friend is staying with me right now for a couple weeks; she's a veterinarian. I can't imagine what kind of karma she's been accruing. Nirvana next time 'round.
But when I purr my cat, it is completely empty and my heart swells with love.
This is not some dirty innuendo. I mean, literally, when my cat Masha, lays down on my chest, or when I come down to the ground and she rest her head down on my arm and I purr her for 10 solid minutes I think of nothing, but feel soft she is and hear the sound of her purring and see how beautiful she is and smell her lovely baby cat smell blended with my perfume from when i purr her and just am filled with light and love and then she stretches and purrs and curls and then uncurls and then bats at me to be like "enough."
That's a meditation.
My best friend is staying with me right now for a couple weeks; she's a veterinarian. I can't imagine what kind of karma she's been accruing. Nirvana next time 'round.
Thursday, July 14, 2011
Thaaaaank you
my starlight
good going at the lounge
lots and lots of people appreciating
its asking starlight for starlight
humbly and in spite of the probability of its nonresponse
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
good going at the lounge
lots and lots of people appreciating
its asking starlight for starlight
humbly and in spite of the probability of its nonresponse
xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Monday, July 11, 2011
commandment.
hey you, yeah you with ROCKSTAR! you'll start listening one day soon. you'll have to. you'll have to pay attention.
In the mean time, I have to supplement my shaky mood with pharmaceutical drugs to keep afloat. And practice practice practice desire and work some more!
In the mean time, I have to supplement my shaky mood with pharmaceutical drugs to keep afloat. And practice practice practice desire and work some more!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
on solitude--
i know thats probably the name of a thoreau essay, or something, probably a million other essays too.
well this isnt one of those.
sometimes i just need to shut the shit down.
sometimes i just really need to be alone. not doing errands. just playing around. not with anyone either, not with anyone i know...
thats when my imagination goes... goes free... fires up... thats when i can forget myself entirely, forget who i am, my life and my triumphs and my troubles and abandon my fiery EGO...
it drives me crazy and agitated and exhausted. and then, i take the time to shut the shit down. without a clock. without the phone. and then my mood just lifts, poof, magic.
i cant live in constant "reality." because it's not fucking real, anyway. its one lens. and its highly absorbent. maximum absorbency selfpads.
thats why, thats why, thats why. i cant live any other way. i have to lose myself.
well this isnt one of those.
sometimes i just need to shut the shit down.
sometimes i just really need to be alone. not doing errands. just playing around. not with anyone either, not with anyone i know...
thats when my imagination goes... goes free... fires up... thats when i can forget myself entirely, forget who i am, my life and my triumphs and my troubles and abandon my fiery EGO...
it drives me crazy and agitated and exhausted. and then, i take the time to shut the shit down. without a clock. without the phone. and then my mood just lifts, poof, magic.
i cant live in constant "reality." because it's not fucking real, anyway. its one lens. and its highly absorbent. maximum absorbency selfpads.
thats why, thats why, thats why. i cant live any other way. i have to lose myself.
Friday, July 8, 2011
Proverbs: 7:8:11
I aint dense
I be gettin' it--
Work begets Work.
Impersonality begets impersonality.
Obsession is an old Perfume.
And Curiosity killed the Cat.
....But satisfaction brought him back.
I be gettin' it--
Work begets Work.
Impersonality begets impersonality.
Obsession is an old Perfume.
And Curiosity killed the Cat.
....But satisfaction brought him back.
my cat
just adores sitting in the of dirt i make when i sweep.
its mostly her own furshed, thats probably why.
its mostly her own furshed, thats probably why.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
wheres the fckng invoice already
i see it there but i dont see a dollar amount
i just broke everything glass that i own
i slammed it against the floor
cleaning it up o god of thunder o god of shattered glass
it feels grains of sand picking it up with your hands
it feels being at the ocean
push me and push me until i just keel over and die
after i pushed you, leaden, still as a totem pole
for so fucking long
i dont have any money anyway
not a penny
come repo my car
this is ridiculous and must be discussed over the phone
i just broke everything glass that i own
i slammed it against the floor
cleaning it up o god of thunder o god of shattered glass
it feels grains of sand picking it up with your hands
it feels being at the ocean
push me and push me until i just keel over and die
after i pushed you, leaden, still as a totem pole
for so fucking long
i dont have any money anyway
not a penny
come repo my car
this is ridiculous and must be discussed over the phone
Tuesday, July 5, 2011
omgaaaaaaaaaaah
Lalalala this bitch so tired. constant work. workahaul.
im not complaining
i chose this
i love it
but foof im tayred
im not complaining
i chose this
i love it
but foof im tayred
Monday, July 4, 2011
Just go read about Patience.
Time, time, there's never any time
I guess with these new wins I got upgraded
this role:
M------ D------:26/28, blonde, beautiful, sexy, graceful and stylish, "Bardot meets Deneuve." M------ is an artist plugged into a sexy Paris avant garde. She is also one of the top assassins in Europe - cold, efficient and deadly - working under the codename 'Noir'. M------- is a survivor of WWII, a woman who experienced horrors and traumas that forged her into 'N---'. She embraces life and lives it to the full, but always on her own terms. Deep down M------- is all about control - of her environment, people and herself. She can make you feel like the only person in a crowded room, and then, when you are, kill you without compunction. SERIES REGULAR (1) (In addition to French actors, we will consider Scandinavian, German, Italian, Eastern European actors for this role who are both fluent in English and their native language as well as Americans who are fluent in French, German, Italian, Russian, etc.) Nudity required
I got this on thursday and thought i had plenty of time but i slept through the entire weekend and now its tomorrow morning and i havent even looked at it and theres a ton. just a ton. a ton of fucking dense material. and im jiggly cuz i havent moved in 3 days and just eaten a ton. fuck.
I guess with these new wins I got upgraded
this role:
M------ D------:26/28, blonde, beautiful, sexy, graceful and stylish, "Bardot meets Deneuve." M------ is an artist plugged into a sexy Paris avant garde. She is also one of the top assassins in Europe - cold, efficient and deadly - working under the codename 'Noir'. M------- is a survivor of WWII, a woman who experienced horrors and traumas that forged her into 'N---'. She embraces life and lives it to the full, but always on her own terms. Deep down M------- is all about control - of her environment, people and herself. She can make you feel like the only person in a crowded room, and then, when you are, kill you without compunction. SERIES REGULAR (1) (In addition to French actors, we will consider Scandinavian, German, Italian, Eastern European actors for this role who are both fluent in English and their native language as well as Americans who are fluent in French, German, Italian, Russian, etc.) Nudity required
I got this on thursday and thought i had plenty of time but i slept through the entire weekend and now its tomorrow morning and i havent even looked at it and theres a ton. just a ton. a ton of fucking dense material. and im jiggly cuz i havent moved in 3 days and just eaten a ton. fuck.
men.
2 dudes in a row just stopped me at the starbucks one to say "you look amazing" and another, from his car "you are incredibly goodlooking... have a pleasure celebrating the 4th..."
??
i look HEINOUS
i have 2 distinct zits
my hair is a gnatty mess
i just slept for like 72 hours in the heat without showering
im in like a baby's onesie
i have no makeup on
ugh its probably just cuz my fat is jiggling
men.
??
i look HEINOUS
i have 2 distinct zits
my hair is a gnatty mess
i just slept for like 72 hours in the heat without showering
im in like a baby's onesie
i have no makeup on
ugh its probably just cuz my fat is jiggling
men.
Friday, July 1, 2011
un petit peu du CUPCAKE
yes but its not half bad
i got my bridesmaids dress via fedex wed and just tried it on
its, got an odd amount of material and some strange like, girdle type situation underneath, but, the colors damn good and, its actually KIND of sexy
mostly because the color is very close to my skin color and it looks nude
hahahahaha
and, theyre strapless
and, most who know me know i have a soft spot in my heart for SHORTS, short skirts and dresses, and in this case, i have not only been permitted but basically ordered to take up the hem.... (otherwise believe me, i cant be fucked to go get something tailored. i mean, i cant even be fucked to go be fucked, these days).... so, take it up the maximum allowed 2" I shall, in spite of the fact that due to my proportions it already sits definitively above the knee.
i mean, i just dont half ass things. and that thing, could be kind of hot.
i got my bridesmaids dress via fedex wed and just tried it on
its, got an odd amount of material and some strange like, girdle type situation underneath, but, the colors damn good and, its actually KIND of sexy
mostly because the color is very close to my skin color and it looks nude
hahahahaha
and, theyre strapless
and, most who know me know i have a soft spot in my heart for SHORTS, short skirts and dresses, and in this case, i have not only been permitted but basically ordered to take up the hem.... (otherwise believe me, i cant be fucked to go get something tailored. i mean, i cant even be fucked to go be fucked, these days).... so, take it up the maximum allowed 2" I shall, in spite of the fact that due to my proportions it already sits definitively above the knee.
i mean, i just dont half ass things. and that thing, could be kind of hot.
THANK YOU FOR THE GOOD JUJU OUT THERE!
Ohhhh that was heaven...
Oh that was just so night and day....
The venue was beautiful, the crowd was amazing, the keyboard we rented sounded incredible, the sound guy was tops, the audience was respectful and just, no talking, watched, enjoyed, loved, every song, pauses before applauses and then long, long applauses, and it just felt so good.
i felt elated after- not like i wanted to slit my wrists.
which honestly. every preceding show. has been deplorable. just awful. offal.
granted the crowd was 75% strangers (which is better anyway) and only like 12 of our people... the friends of mine who've come to shows and those who haven't, at this point, i dunno, sort of paints a pretty clear picture... god this town is drinking haterade. but the ones who come at this point really just do for the music. with some perspective i realize i dont want people there anyway who are just doing it as a favor (thus expecting one in return), who dont want to be there, who dont like the music even. fuck them. seriously.
these people, this audience, like, they LAUGHED at some of the lyrics, that are really subtly funny... like... THEY WERE LISTENING. and it was so shocking. hah! ah, classy place. all the difference. anyway.
Oh that was just so night and day....
The venue was beautiful, the crowd was amazing, the keyboard we rented sounded incredible, the sound guy was tops, the audience was respectful and just, no talking, watched, enjoyed, loved, every song, pauses before applauses and then long, long applauses, and it just felt so good.
i felt elated after- not like i wanted to slit my wrists.
which honestly. every preceding show. has been deplorable. just awful. offal.
granted the crowd was 75% strangers (which is better anyway) and only like 12 of our people... the friends of mine who've come to shows and those who haven't, at this point, i dunno, sort of paints a pretty clear picture... god this town is drinking haterade. but the ones who come at this point really just do for the music. with some perspective i realize i dont want people there anyway who are just doing it as a favor (thus expecting one in return), who dont want to be there, who dont like the music even. fuck them. seriously.
these people, this audience, like, they LAUGHED at some of the lyrics, that are really subtly funny... like... THEY WERE LISTENING. and it was so shocking. hah! ah, classy place. all the difference. anyway.
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